OK so I set this blog up a while a go and have attempted to write many first posts and failed to finish or post them so Ive decided to just write something and stop trying to say something profound and clever!!
So Im Kate Denney. My name always seems to follow with my surname or in fact just be my surname - not many people seem to refer to my first name singularly!
So who am I? Well. Im a girl, a 'big fairy' as my Dad would say! I'm messy, silly, giddy, over-thinking, serious, mental, fidgety, have NO attention span, and I love God. I like to say that. I love God. I like to say it often but it's not always true or how I feel. Sometimes I SERIOUSLY don't like the Big Man. But here's what Ive been learning over the past year. God is ridiculously patient, and loving and faithful to me, why? Do NOT ask me because I have been the worst person over the past year and have pretty much just tried to ignore him because I blamed him for ruining my life and letting me down and making me go through things that I wouldnt wish on anyone. But God IS love. Thats just who he is. And if I can learn to be able to just see and accept just a TEENY TINY bit of that love I'll have more than I will ever need for a lifetime. I wish I could say I love him with my whole heart, mind, soul - everthing. But I don't. Im still learning to trust and still learning to believe that anyone could ever love the mess that I am!
So Im at that epic stage in my life where Im coming to the end of university and suddenly have to face the wider world! So scary. But starting to feel more and more ready to move on. The past 4 years have been EPIC and I literally look at the girl I was when I started and think it is a completely different person. Ive learnt so much, laughed so much, cried so much and been through one heck of a lot but I am holding on to the fact that God promises I will come out stronger.
My university degree is in primary teacher training and I came to uni in first year with these intentions:
Meet a winderful christian STUD in first year, get engaged in 3rd year, get married the year I graduate, be a teacher for a few years then have babies and be a housewife.
Thats all I ever aspired to. And do not think Im putting that down. I admire the women I see around me who have done that and I look at some of the women I know from church and admire their incredible motherhood and loving devotion to their family. But I want more. I can't describe it. I just want more. Don't get me wrong. One of the things I want the most in the world is to fall in love and to be a Mum. But that's not how I want to define my future.
There have been many times in my life I can look back on and see God speaking to me but I guess the most prominent one for me was Easter of my first year of uni. I felt God call me to his ministry for the first time. I was petrified. I specifically remember laying awake in bed for hours thinking whaaaat? WHY? me? HA no way. And i remember telling him I would do it but only if I didn't have to do it on my own. I was still holding on to that past comfprt zone. I wanted a man to do it with. I didn't want to do it on my own. They were my conditions. It was up to God to accept them. HA! Im afraid that's not the way God works! Since then I have struggled with my course ALOT! I absolutely LOVE teaching with all my heart and Im pretty damn good at it! But the onset of the worst bout of depression I have experienced began in my placement of 3rd year. I wouldn't wish it on anyone - my depression is another story however, one I may not feel ready to share. But basically that was it. Id had enough. I didn't want to go into teaching and get married and have babies and live the life I felt I was not destined but doomed to.
At the time I had become more and more and more with various areas of childrens ministry. I had fallen in love again. In love with something I was good at. It made me happy. It was my escape. After having battled with what mission/ministry I thought God had called me to (particularly after having been to teach in Uganda in the summer of 2nd year) I had found it. This was it. It made me happy. It made me struggle like hell. It MAKES me happy. I love it and it makes me love God all the more.
Next year...who knows. But God has a plan. And Im sticking to him. x
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