Over all my dreams, in my darkest hour.

I have spent most of this weekend crying. In fact yesterday I cried so much that my eyes are actually swollen and painful today that it's slightly embarrassing to go out the house. But I was just worshipping God - and this song came up and it reminded me of promises he has made me. This song has brought me through a lot and I pray it will take me further.

Over all the earth, you reign on high,

Every mountain stream, every sunset sky.

But my one request, Lord my only aim

Is that you;d reign in me again.

Lord reign in me, reign in your pow'r;

Over all my dreams, in my darkest hour.

You are the Lord of all I am,

So won't you reign in me again.

Over every thought, over every word,

May my life reflect the beauty of my Lord;

'Cause you mean more to me than any earthly thing.

So won't you reign in me again.

In different chapters of my life different parts of this song have particularly spoken to my inner most heart. When I was depressed it was God reigning over my thoughts. When relationships break down and I am left heart broken, hurt by a boy or just a friend who has left me behind - God means more to me than any earthly thing.

But today as I sat and sang knowing of not another thing I could do with myself after having one of the most difficult few days even weeks I've had in a long time and all I could sing is "Over all my dreams" - everything that is placed, scribed, scrawled on my heart for the future, for the young people of York and my life - "In my darkest hour" - doubt, paint, heartache, lack of belief in myself, tiredness - HE is the Lord of all I am.

My one request, Lord, my ONLY aim - is that you reign in me again.

Name

So things feel kinda hard at the minute. I sometimes just stop and think about where I am and what I am doing and think - how did I get here? I have no idea what I'm doing and feel completely out of my depth. Feel like I'm expected to be perfect when I'm still learning. Feel like I was thrown in at the deep end and am doing everything I can not to drown. But it's tiring.

A few weeks ago I hit that point. Burn out. I had for so long been working and working and sucking every inch of energy out of me that I had. Unfortunately through only our own energy and perspective of "powering through" things aren't going to work. We can not do things through our own strength. However, I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And it is only through Christ I can do them. Not me. Sometimes I think of myself bigger than I ought.

However, sometimes I think of myself a lot smaller than I ought. I watched this nooma video with my youth group on Sunday afternoon and it really struck me - if you have a chance then watch it now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiiKrEB2NQ0

"Are you ready to be you? Cos there's a lot of work here for us to do together."

I love that line. It struck me so deeply. Am I ready to be me? Ready to accept the things I'm good at and the gifts God has given me? Ready to accept that where I am is where I'm supposed to be? That God wants me here right now fulfilling plans he has laid down for me to do? Or am I going to keep whining that things feel hard and I don't feel good enough?

I read the word for today and it was about gifts. It said the following:

The bible says, 'Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them...' (Romans 12 v 6) God has 'graced' you to do certain things well. Now, that doesn't mean doors will automatically open...You must first discern your gifts, use every opportunity to sharpen them, learn from your mistakes, and be tenacious about what God's called you to do."

Don't give up when times get hard and things feel tough. How else are you going to learn and grow more and more into the person God is molding you into?

I graduate tomorrow. I will graduate as Kate Denney BA Hons QTS. With a teaching degree. It would be so easy for me to worry, to become anxious - look at how hard I'm finding things and think I made the wrong decision. That I should have been a teacher - things would have been easier then. Rubbish. I feel sorry for God sometimes - looking at me and thinking when are you going to accept what I've called you to and stop questioning the things I give you and the plans I have for you? Teaching would in NO way have been easy. But it would be easy in a manner that it would be comfortable. Something I've been and done and got the t-shirt (well the letters after my name) but I wouldn't have been satisfied doing it. I would not be able to sit in front of my class and love them so much that my heart breaks and I want to tell them about Jesus. I couldn't do that. And yet God has provided me with an incredible opportunity and responsibility. The ability to work towards every child in York hearing the gospel of Jesus. Incredible.

One of the great benefits of finding and fulfilling your life's calling is that it settles the question of what constitutes true success. Many of us have a faulty definition. We've bought into the idea that success is measured by how well we do-compared to how well others do. That's a recipe for frustration! No matter what you do, someone else will always do it better. But when you define success in terms of God's purpose for your life, the standard changes completely. True success is not what you've done compared to what others have done, but what you've done compared to what God assigned you to do: 'Each person is given something to do that shows who God is: Everyone gets in on it, everyone benefits' (1 Corinthians 12:4 TM). Jesus said He was successful because He accomplished the work His Father had sent Him to do (John 17:4). Paul could say at the end of his life, '...I have finished my course...' (2 Timothy 4:7). By this standard, success may mean leaving a lucrative job to follow God's call. It may mean using your talents for His glory, instead of chasing fame and fortune. Whatever it is, once you know you're in your calling you can stop comparing yourself to others or wishing you were someone else. The Bible says we are each given gifts '...for the common good' (1Corinthians 12:7 NAS). Only when you're using your gifts to bless others will you experience true satisfaction. Pay cheques and promotions are good, but they can't take the place of divine purpose. Only in your calling will you experience lasting joy.

So what is it you are doing? Are you comparing your gifts and talents and calling with that of others? Or are you wearing your name with pride? Your life story with joy in the knowledge it is your unique journey for you and God to experience and travel together?

My name is Kate Denney. And I am ready to be the person God made me.

Blessed be your name...

So I just got back from New Wine Kids Leaders Conference 2010 and am trying to process everything that's going on in my brain and thought a good way to do it would be to write it down in blog.

I'm going to be honest and vulnerable and allow you to see in to my heart and where I'm at in a hope that it will also bless you and help you to see what an amazing God I have.

Have you ever felt as though everything in the world is collapsing around your reality as you know it? That was last year for me. I was hurting, angry and alone and didn't want to have anything to do with Jesus. I didn't want to be close to someone who allowed me to hurt so deeply and allowed me to go through so much pain.

I had depression. Something I still find hard to say and don't tend to tell many people about. I still hate the word and the stigma that surrounds it but I refuse to be ashamed of it any longer. Depression is NOT feeling sad. It is not moping around feeling sorry for yourself. It is not by choice that I would have felt the things I felt or thought the things I thought about myself. Do not EVER think that people who have depression are weak. They most certainly are not. In fact they are the opposite. Those who I have seen and known to go through depression are some of the strongest people I know. Never underestimate them.

During this time I was also doubting my degree. I was doing primary teacher training and I was pretty damn good at it. But something didn't feel settled - something still didn't feel quite right and as though everything in my heart wasn't clicking into place. It turns out God had completely different plans for me and it is funny to read my previous blog and see some of the things I was thinking at the time.

To cut a story short I became a children's worker running a charity 2 weeks after having finished my teaching degree (trust me - that is a very short version!) It was certainly not an easy decision to take the job. No matter how I felt God tugging and calling me there were still all the options and questions and people I was letting down. I had spent a lot of my time and energy and health completing this degree. But I did it. I took that step of faith. Was it easy? HECK no!!! I started before the summer and was a mess. I was emotionally and physically exhausted having got through one of the most difficult 18 months of my life and was doing something completely new and different and hard! But I did it. I did it by adopting the Denney work your butt off mode!! But I did it in my own strength. Not in His. Which meant that the doubts came. Why was I doing this? Why had I made all these sacrifices to do something which completely overwhelmed me and made me feel like I was completely out of my depth?

That's when I went to New Wine this summer. I had been randomly asked to be on stage team completely out of nowhere for the 5-7s. Had completely not realised what I had signed myself up for at the time!! I was absolutely p.e.t.r.i.f.i.e.d!!! But loved it. I remember messaging my Mum and saying it felt as though I was finally doing what I was born to do. The only thing was - I just didn't understand why. Why me? Why would God chose this absolute mess to do his works and stand in stage in front of 500 kids and tell them about how much he loved them - when she didn't even believe it for herself?

I came back to work in September and things started to niggle away at me. I had managed to get this far amazingly avoiding God quite nicely. It was something I told other people about, something they needed in their lives but I needed none of that love stuff thankyou. I knew God didn't love me. I was too angry at him. The walls I had built around my heart when I had been depressed were still standing very firmly around my cold heart. I didn't need God and his love thankyou very much I could manage quite well without it...but tell 100s of children about it. There's something not quite right there. Telling people that God loves you but not thinking it for yourself.

So this conference. I get there with completely the wrong perspective and reasons behind going but God still decided to use it more than I really thought He would. It was different to how I had expected it to be - I had thought that it was going to be almost going to uni for children's workers but it turned out to be more like a retreat and actually what I really needed! When I got there I was tired and quite unwell and what I hadn't realised was the reason why I was ill was because I had been working my butt off to get my ministry going and into"Kate Denney" shape! It began with lots of crazy holy spirit stuff. That's where it started...God was trying to get me. But I was having none of that thankyou - I didn't want any of that emotional stuff - it was what I had put so many barriers up against. So I went for a wee. I laughed on the toilet - haha no thanks God - what a bunch of weirdos - I'll sit here thanks, don't need anyone praying for me - everythings fine at the minute, Ive been working hard and things are looking good. HA! God thought different...I later that afternoon went to a seminar about the Holy Spirit. She did an exercise with a drum where we stood up and marched to the beat, thinking about something we were trampling under our feet - something we were fearful of. That's when it hit me. I was scared - so so damn scared. I no longer lived in depression - but I lived in the fear of it.

God reminded me of something someone had said in one of the talks. God is sat on his thrown and our life leads up to it. But what we do is we look back at our past and the things we fear from it because even though we're not in it any more - we have to keep our eyes on it. Just watch it and constantly fix our eyes on the things we fear to make sure we keep a check on them, by doing this we back up in to God treading carefully as we go. No. This is so not what God wants for our lives. He wants us to turn our back on those things and RUN face forwards into his arms.

I so have been doing that! Keeping my eye on my depression, walking backwards to God but keeping watch on the things I feared.

That evening the Holy Spirit was moving again. All I could do was get down on my knees. I was freaked out and scared by the things going on around me but God just kept whispering in my ears...It's just you and me, Kate. It's just you and me. As I knelt there I felt so lost and began to realise my fear, my sin, the cynicism and bitterness of the way I had been living and the anger and distrust I still feel towards God. Then behind me someone laid their hands on me and began to pray all I needed to hear. God loves you - you are his special daughter who he has created - take off the burden on your shoulders. I wept. It's all I could do! Jesus got me. It's almost as if he had to break my heart so that he could get back in it!

The next morning in the worship session we sang "Blessed be your name..." and God just showed me a pathway in my life. This song had been my baptism song. I listened to the words and he just spoke to me about everything - I looked back on all I had been through and how I had got to be where I am. It was like the anger started to fall away and I sang - I sang with everything in me "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your name" despite the suffering, despite the pain. Blessed be your name.

God told me to breathe in good things of him and breathe out those fears. I breathed in Him. I breathed in peace, freedom and love and dispelled fear.

Since that moment I have felt so emotional! My heart has been torn open and suddenly tears of joy and pain have returned! I have tried to not fear emotions which I had labelled and feared as being weak! I came home and wept on my housemate, telling her what I thought God was doing only for her to be excited! I was like ummm hello - emotional wreck here and she was like YES! JESUS! Amen! haha! Another of my housemates confirmed in me what I had been thinking. I have lived with her for around 4 or 5 weeks and she comes to Kidz Klub where I work and preach the love of Jesus to the children and she said she felt as though I believed it and said it to the children but would come home and not believe it for myself and become cynical and bitter towards Jesus. That trully hit me. That's not me I sobbed - that's not who I am.

I love Jesus. I always have and have always tried to cling to him but it was like I've been holding his hands by the tip of my fingers but been turning my face away. Do I feel any different? Not dramatically - no! I haven't suddenly got this new sudden jumping around shouting Jesus and reading my bible and praying every second of the day. But my heart is beginning to break. It's a process of healing and restoration of this girls very coldened and broken, ashamed heart. But I know with every fibre in my being that God is with me. He is faithful. And no matter what the road that lies ahead entails. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

First Blog Attempt...

OK so I set this blog up a while a go and have attempted to write many first posts and failed to finish or post them so Ive decided to just write something and stop trying to say something profound and clever!!

So Im Kate Denney. My name always seems to follow with my surname or in fact just be my surname - not many people seem to refer to my first name singularly!

So who am I? Well. Im a girl, a 'big fairy' as my Dad would say! I'm messy, silly, giddy, over-thinking, serious, mental, fidgety, have NO attention span, and I love God. I like to say that. I love God. I like to say it often but it's not always true or how I feel. Sometimes I SERIOUSLY don't like the Big Man. But here's what Ive been learning over the past year. God is ridiculously patient, and loving and faithful to me, why? Do NOT ask me because I have been the worst person over the past year and have pretty much just tried to ignore him because I blamed him for ruining my life and letting me down and making me go through things that I wouldnt wish on anyone. But God IS love. Thats just who he is. And if I can learn to be able to just see and accept just a TEENY TINY bit of that love I'll have more than I will ever need for a lifetime. I wish I could say I love him with my whole heart, mind, soul - everthing. But I don't. Im still learning to trust and still learning to believe that anyone could ever love the mess that I am!

So Im at that epic stage in my life where Im coming to the end of university and suddenly have to face the wider world! So scary. But starting to feel more and more ready to move on. The past 4 years have been EPIC and I literally look at the girl I was when I started and think it is a completely different person. Ive learnt so much, laughed so much, cried so much and been through one heck of a lot but I am holding on to the fact that God promises I will come out stronger.

My university degree is in primary teacher training and I came to uni in first year with these intentions:

Meet a winderful christian STUD in first year, get engaged in 3rd year, get married the year I graduate, be a teacher for a few years then have babies and be a housewife.

Thats all I ever aspired to. And do not think Im putting that down. I admire the women I see around me who have done that and I look at some of the women I know from church and admire their incredible motherhood and loving devotion to their family. But I want more. I can't describe it. I just want more. Don't get me wrong. One of the things I want the most in the world is to fall in love and to be a Mum. But that's not how I want to define my future.

There have been many times in my life I can look back on and see God speaking to me but I guess the most prominent one for me was Easter of my first year of uni. I felt God call me to his ministry for the first time. I was petrified. I specifically remember laying awake in bed for hours thinking whaaaat? WHY? me? HA no way. And i remember telling him I would do it but only if I didn't have to do it on my own. I was still holding on to that past comfprt zone. I wanted a man to do it with. I didn't want to do it on my own. They were my conditions. It was up to God to accept them. HA! Im afraid that's not the way God works! Since then I have struggled with my course ALOT! I absolutely LOVE teaching with all my heart and Im pretty damn good at it! But the onset of the worst bout of depression I have experienced began in my placement of 3rd year. I wouldn't wish it on anyone - my depression is another story however, one I may not feel ready to share. But basically that was it. Id had enough. I didn't want to go into teaching and get married and have babies and live the life I felt I was not destined but doomed to.

At the time I had become more and more and more with various areas of childrens ministry. I had fallen in love again. In love with something I was good at. It made me happy. It was my escape. After having battled with what mission/ministry I thought God had called me to (particularly after having been to teach in Uganda in the summer of 2nd year) I had found it. This was it. It made me happy. It made me struggle like hell. It MAKES me happy. I love it and it makes me love God all the more.

Next year...who knows. But God has a plan. And Im sticking to him. x